GRIEF 2-8-2020

          
                    Grief                                              

I’m grieving the loss of a child.

I haven’t lost a child but, I’m grieving that loss of a child (and children) I never bore

It seems to me, I’ve missed from my life what so many women I know have.

It would have seem miraculous to me, feeling another heartbeat inside of me.

The joy I would feel having a baby grow in my own body.

I would have loved to go through the joy of painful childbirth.

When my friends and other woman I know boast about their children and grandchildren, I just quiver.

I know I don’t have anything as wonderful or amazing as their children to talk about

I then ask myself (like I’ve asked myself zillions of times) “Why didn’t I have children when I could”?

Then blame and anger sets in, especially anger at myself.

It feels strange for me seeing pictures of babies.

At these times, I fix my eyes to the heavens as if I’ve come to the face of God and I cry out:

“Why God? Why?”

What purpose was there to make me childless when you know my deep love for children?

Was it in your plan for me to suffer so, being deprived of what would’ve made my life complete?

Why God, Why?

Then I sob, like a river that never ends.

Maybe I’ll never know the reason I have never given birth to a child.

I do know I grieve.

I do carry this grief, grief for the child (and children) I have never experienced childbirth with?

Is this possible?

             Evelyn M. Pinto

             August 11, 2018, edited 2-8-2020