EVELYN'S FEELINGS OF GRIEF, PAIN, SADNESS, SORROW AND GRIEF 4-24-2022

 

I don’t remember feeling so alone, sad, sick and depressed.

I am sensing how I’m placed on this Earth to just go through my life, feeling that I can’t depend on most people, especially the ones that could and should be there for me when I really need them.

I also feel that with many, love goes only so far. People can love you as long as they have time to love you and/or they don’t have to go out of their way.

Yes, at this time in my life I have experiences many losses, people I thought I could not live without, ever.

My mother, the most wonderful woman, full of love and spunk, passed away at the end of October.

I am still grieving her loss, and the emptiness that was once love, my mother’s love, which had grown and nourished through the years, is now gone and to put it simply, no more.

I telephoned my mother at least once a day. I still find myself dialing her number, realizing minutes later, she’s not there.

I visited my mother whenever I could. Many times I brought lunch. My mother and I did ordinary things together, like eating, watching TV, playing cards and other activities together.

These things my mother and I did together many ordinary things together. These wonderful times spent with my mother, doing ordinary things, because they were done together with my mother, were really extraordinary!

I loved my mother and I miss her so, so, very much!

One of my best friends, Johanne, who brought love, laughter and fun into my life with every visit to her apt, passed away this year also. My hurt is like an excruciating pain that goes from my heart to my soul, cutting deep into those already open wounds leaving me raw, vulnerable and frightened and feeling alone in this darkness.

Others I have loved are now lost to death, leaving my insides, where loved ones once lives, who are now dead, are now empty voids.

My sister, Roberta, passed away.  Roberta’s passing was an experience that I am having difficulties coping with.

I loved my sister, Roberta so much. On the last months of her life, our cellphone tests always included both of us testing to each other: “I love you to the moon and back!”

Yes, Roberta and I were not only sisters, we were best friends!

Roberta always made arrangements to ensure I was involved in activities, especially family activities.

Realizing that I do not have a car to get to family, Roberta always brought people to see me, especially children, some of those delightful children happened to be family.

I loved Roberta and I really, really, really miss my dear sister!

At times my pain get so agonizing I, many times, cannot stop crying. On certain nights, I have cried myself to sleep.

Some wonderful and amazing friends have been there for me many times. I love these friends dearly and I thank God over and over for them! I am fortunate and blessed to have such wonderful and loyal friends, friends who have come into my life and decided to stay!

I pray and I pray and I pray to God for comfort, peace and wellness.

This scripture continually revolves in my head: “Wait for the Lord.”

I know Jesus hears me my cries of help through those screams of pain, loneliness, sorrow, depression and grief.

I know I am under the Protection of the Almighty.

I know things will never be the same for me, ever.

I also know I am walking through treacherous territory.

I also, with certainty, know Jesus walks with me.

Through all of the physical and emotional illnesses that have plagued my body and mind for so long, Jesus brings me calmness

Through the pain, sorrow, loneliness, sadness and grief, Jesus brings me peace..

I will find the peace that Jesus again. On those days that I am more lost, I will need to search peace harder and longer.

I do thank my Lord for the blessings He has bestowed on me.

Even through my times of difficulties, pain, sorrow, grief and sickness, I do have much to be grateful for!

Evelyn Pinto

April 24, 2022