Grieving The Child I Never Bore

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I’m grieving the loss of a child. I haven’t lost a child but, I’m grieving that loss of a child (and children) I never had.  It seems to me, I’ve missed from my life what so many women I know have.
It would seem miraculous to me feeling another heart beat inside of me. The joy I would feel having a baby grow in my own body. I would have loved to go through the joy of painful childbirth.
When my friends and other woman I know boast about their children and grandchildren, I just quiver. I know I don’t have anything as wonderful or amazing as their children to talk about
I then ask myself (as I have asked myself zillions of times) “Why didn’t I have children when I could”?  Then blame and anger, anger at myself, set in. It feels worse for me seeing pictures of babies.
At these times, I fix my eyes to the heavens  as if I’ve come to the face of God and cry out, “Why God?” “What purpose was there to make me childless when you KNOW my deep love for children?”  “Was it in your plan for me to suffer so, being deprived of what would’ve made my life complete?”  “Why God, why?” Then I sob, like as a river never ends.

Maybe I’ll never know the reason I have never had a child I could call my own.  I do know I grieve.  How can I have grief, grief for a child (and children) I never had? Is this possible?
                                                     Evelyn M. Pinto
                                                     March 9, 2014

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